3 Steps For Communicating What You Need, Without Being a Jerk

I'm must not be communicating effectively because they're not doing what I need them to do.

Sound familiar?

We desperately want to create certain behaviors and standards of execution within our teams.  

But yet, we're constantly feeling frustrated in the performance we see.  It's like the individuals on our team just don't understand...

How do I get them to understand?  

This is the question we ask next.  

Eventually, we start to think we're to blame for the communication.  So we spend more time thinking about how we can be more clear.

When it comes to communicating effectively, most people spend their efforts in the wrong areas.  Constant miscommunication comes from NOT following these three simple steps. 

In this video, I'll show you three simple steps that will improve your communication. 

By applying these three steps you can be more certain that you communicated in a way that others can understand and follow you.

3 Steps For Communicating What You Need, Without Being a Jerk

Transcript - April 23, 2020

How do I communicate more effectively so that I can get more of what I want in my business or in my life?

That's a question that a lot of people ask. Because they find themselves leading a team or working with a co-founder or a partner or they're married to a spouse.

They just can't seem to get on the same page. They might communicate what they believe to be a very clear message, but yet they see the outcome and it's like the person wasn't even listening.

So real quick, I'll introduce myself. I'm Zach, I'm a performance and leadership coach with create purpose and I assist leaders to get clarity, focus, and energy around what it is that they desire to create next, that next bold move, and then how to do it well.

Today we're talking about communication and how to do it effectively.

How we communicate as leaders make a big difference with the outcomes that we see our team create.

It's more than normal to feel frustrated at feeling like you're communicating clearly. But then watching your team as they just don't get it and you're left scratching your head, trying to figure out what you need to do differently, to communicate a clear message so that they can get it and do the job the way that you want it done.

This is a very normal dialogue and a very normal, frustrating experience for anyone who's found themselves leaving a team.

When it comes time to have that difficult conversation, we just find it hard to find the right words, because we can so often feel like we're walking on eggshells when we communicate with others.

We don't want to say the wrong thing and trigger them to become angry at us or defensive and so we feel like we're walking this tightrope.

We try to navigate the conversation to get said what we want to say without upsetting them and how to do that.

It's like walking a tightrope.

I want to give you a simple framework that you can apply. There's a lot more to this, which is why I'm going to be hosting a masterclass, a free live stream, next week.

We're going to go deeper into this topic of communication and how to do it well, specifically around difficult areas in and around having difficult conversations with your team, your spouse, your partner, best friend, or anybody that's close to you. How do you have those conversations?

But today, I just want to teach you a simple framework, and I'm calling it the simple ABCs of communication.

There are three things I want to teach. Three things to highlight how you want to approach difficult conversations.

I want to give you a very simple formula to follow that'll set you up for success.

I think so often we get too focused on what do I need to say and what we need to tell them.

This is the first thing that gets in our way.

Instead of having a telling conversation, instead of telling them what we think we need to make it more about the learning.

We want it to be a learning conversation. Make it more about curiosity.

That's where the ABCs of communication came from.

So the "A" is Always seeks to understand first.

This isn't a new concept, but so often we forget about it when we feel like we need to get something off of our chest, right?

And it's a weight on our shoulders because we see the implications of them not doing the job the way that we need it done, or we see the pain that it's creating for others.

We need to let them know. Right?

We focus so much on what we need to communicate. But what I'm proposing is, before we focus on that, I want you to always under seek to understand first.

What does that sound like?

That sounds like you being curious. And just inquiring about how the other person is seeing the situation.

Because from the right perspective, everything makes sense.

From your perspective, yeah, it makes perfect sense that you see the situation the way you see it. But until you bring the other person's perspective into the equation, you won't have a complete picture.

When you open yourself up to being open to other's perspectives, you can better see the other side.

All of this makes for a much more productive conversation.

So, step one is always seeking to understand first, be curious, make it about the learning, make it about understanding, before we get into telling them anything.

The B in ABCs of communication is to be understood.

I think so often we take the platitude of "seek to understand" and stop there.

We work really hard at understanding the other side's perspective and we leave with good understanding, yet we still feel like we didn't get what we want.

So the second step is you not only want to understand, but you also want to be understood.

Because of this, it's very important for you to know what that is...What it is that you explicitly want to communicate?

It's important to start with the objective, visible, tangible facts, rather than your feelings.

Share what you see, not what you think, the judgments that you're having, or how you feel. Simply share what you see. And share your experience.

Once you've expressed the facts and your experience, now share what you would like to see happen.

In summary to be understood has three components which are point to objective, visible evidence first. Then just share your experience and how it made you feel. Finally, share what you would really like to see instead.

The C in the ABCs of communication is co-create what happens next.

First, you Always seek to understand, then you want to Be understood, and finally, you co-create what happens next.

Once it's all on the table, look at it together.

Share your experience. Maybe what happen left you feeling anxious thinking something's gonna fall through the cracks.

Then say you share what you would like to see.

Start the co-create process by asking, "what do you think about that?"

Ask an empowering question like, what do you think about that? how can we best close this gap together?

I understand you, you now understand me, there's a gap. What do we do about that gap?

And just talk about it.

What you're going to find is people want to contribute, as I shared in a previous video, people support what they create.

So let them create how you both move forward. And I think you're gonna really enjoy results that stem from this approach.

So I hope you found that helpful. Remember the ABCs of communication, always understand first, be understood, and then co-create what happens next.

If you enjoyed this, as I said, we're going to be going a lot deeper on this topic of communication in an upcoming masterclass.

You can click the details below and sign up.

I hope to see you there! As leaders, one of our greatest opportunities is to learn how to communicate well, it opens up a whole realm of possibilities for us.

It allows us to create more ownership on our team, develop our people, and get more of what we want, so we can live the life that we desire, and also help so many other people live that same life.

That's the power that communication can bring to an organization, to a family, to a friendship, or to a team.

I hope to see you there, click the link below.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai