EP36 | What to Do When You're Getting In Your Own Way

How do you know you’re getting in your own way? Are we allowing our own inner jerk to take control rather than our inner leader? Zach talks about the three ways that you might be getting in your own way and how to overcome these to really create your own purpose in life, and change your perspective on what this process of personal transformation looks like. 

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• Song: Say What You Will by JohnnySwim.

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There is no black and white it's everything's gray. And the only way you stay open to change and influence is you have to learn to drop judgment.

Let's talk about how you might be getting in your own way and what to do about it, because can you, can you admit that we can, you and I can get in our own. Make things much harder than, than they otherwise could be. Is it cool with you? If we just start from that premise that you know what we all do, things that get in our own way from what we ultimately want in our lives and in our businesses, is that fair?

Because I know it is true for me. I know I get in my own way. I know I do some things in my relationships that are not serving that relationship, you know, with my wife and my kids and, and my team, there are behaviors in, in how I show up. That aren't serving me that honestly, they're getting in the way and making it so much harder than it otherwise could be.

And so I'm willing to admit to that. I want, is it cool if you too sit with that and, and no judgment, you know, I'm not good or bad, but let's just look with curiosity. as I go through this episode, be with this episode and stay curious, how might you be getting in your way be because that's the first step is we need to become aware of that, but I wanna talk a little bit about what to do about it.

You know, when you start to realize how you're getting in your own way, which is huge progress just by noticing and becoming aware. I want to talk more about, okay, now what do you do about it? And that's what we're gonna talk about in this episode. And there's three, three areas that I noticed that we can get on our own ways.

The first one, I, I just covered in the previous episode of the podcast and that was our, our tendency to avoid and distract ourselves from unpleasant and uncomfortable emotions. That one's huge. If you haven't listened to the last episode. Listen to that episode next, you don't have to stop this one, but make it be the next episode you listen to because our ability to be emotionally resilient is what leads to us.

Feeling confident. It's everything. If you are gonna move forward in your business and create. The vision and everything you, the outcomes that you wanna see and the results you wanna see, the number one most critical step is moving through difficult unpleasant emotions, because if you're unwilling to do that, there's, you just can't move forward in the way that I, I believe you know, that you want to.

So that's the first. Way that we can get in our own way is we're avoiding unpleasant uncomfortable emotions. So again, that's the previous episode. I'm finding myself one to go into it again, listen to that, that episode, I think it's episode 35. Number two is the stories we tell ourselves really can get in our own way.

The stories you tell yourself is either creating more of what you want or more of what you don't want. It just is, you know, I became aware earlier this year of a story and it, I would always tell a little bit differently, but it was the same theme. And the, at the core of the story was I don't have enough time.

I don't have enough time to launch my podcast. I don't have enough time to build this group program that I'm working on. I don't have enough time to create a workshop. What's awesome is I'm kind of on the other side of that. And I'm like, well, I did have time. I did it. You're listening to this podcast. I just completed my fourth full day workshop with a leadership team and just booked a fifth for October, you know?

And so am I where I wanna be? No, but I'm. Aware of how I was getting in my own way. And I I'm, I changed the story. I was telling myself a story around. I don't have enough time. What that would then do is I would go blame all the things that were taking my time. I would blame some certain clients that I've been working with.

And maybe they're asking me to go in a direction that isn't. What I desire to go in. And, and so I blame them and like, I, I really can't do the things I wanna do until I am able to let them go as a client. I am, I almost ensure assure you if you're listening to this, you are not that client . So yeah, I, I, I say that I'm like, oh shoot.

I hope it's not you. I almost guarantee that. But there's just things that I've said yes to that. I've kind of grown, outgrown them. You know, I now desire more. But the thing is, is it's a, it's a huge contributor to my income and there's this feeling of, oh, I need this. And, but it's taking my time. And so that thing, instead of being grateful for it, I'm, I've made it out to kind of be my enemy.

Like that thing is the reason. That I am not able to do what I wanna do. I don't have time. So that was the story. And that's how I was feeding the story. And I'm just sharing that. Like, what stories are you telling yourself maybe around time? Because time is a really convenient story, cuz it goes back to point.

Number one in the previous episode two is when I told myself that story, it was a great way to avoid and distract myself from unpleasant emotions. Right. Because, well, I don't have time, so I can't actually do. This thing that I've never done before, that is really uncomfortable. And yeah, I there's there's doubts I have.

And can I really do this? Am I enough? And, and the, I don't have time. Story was very convenient for me for the longest time and it kept me for moving forward. And so I'm sharing that with you because these stories are either creating more of what you want or more of what you don't want. So what are you telling yourself cuz you are where your attention is and if you're focused on not.

Being smart enough or experienced enough or creative enough or not having enough time or not doing enough to achieve what you wanna achieve. Well, then that's what you're, you're gonna, you're, you're creating a life of frustration. You're spinning your wheels all because I think because you and I are unwilling to face the unpleasant emotions, the uncertainty of stepping into, you know, the, the land of the unknown, the, you know, because that's just, it.

The stuff that we want to do, I'm willing to bet that you haven't done it before. Is it possible? I don't know. I think so, but I've never done it before. And it's only normal for you to question. Well, I don't know. Is that really what I is that me? Can I do that? Well, here's the thing. My coach taught me this several years ago and he said the only way to certainty is through faith.

The only way to certainty is through faith. What does that mean? Well, certainty control. That's an illusion. You can only see that once you have it. So it requires faith. It requires stepping out into the land of uncertainty and just take an action. See everything as an experiment. And then experience that experiment, learn from it and then go again.

That's the process. So kind of going on a tangent a little bit, but these stories that we tell ourselves that allow us to conveniently distract ourselves from moving forward is a great way that we get in our own way. We become an obstacle to ourself. Number three is we allow our inner jerk. To dictate who we are and what we do.

I mean, the inner jerk, I mean, who's familiar with the inner jerk, that inner voice that's constantly questioning, you know, am I good enough? Can I really do this? Am I, am I smart enough? Am I charismatic enough? Am I good enough communicator? Am I really a leader? Am I good enough leader? Am I doing this right?

Right. That who's familiar. I mean, sh I'm pausing, cuz I want you to answer. Tell are you familiar with that voice, that inner jerk that is constantly kind of nagging at you and poking you? And it's a great way we get in our own way because we listen to it. We believe what it's telling us, and if you really look closely at it, it's, it's there for a reason somewhere in your life.

It served you, it kept you safe. But if you continue to listen to it, it's gonna keep you small and safe all the while though, not living into the person and the leader and the business owner and the creator that you know, that you are, all of that will be waiting in the wings. The world will not have it because your inner jerk is running the show.

That's how we get in our own way. And it's, it's some version of I'm not good enough. I'm not smart enough. I'm not doing enough. I'm not a good enough leader. We all have those stories that just makes you normal. But I'm, I want you to change your relationship with that voice and see it for what it is.

It's just there trying to keep you safe. Keep you small, kind of, you know that you've heard the saying what got you here. Won't get you there. I'm willing to bet that, that, that inner drive, like, am I enough? Can I really do this? I don't think so. That imposter, like that drives us to do so much great things in our lives, but at some point it it's, it, it has a limit.

And what got you here? Won't get you there. We need to start changing our relationship with that voice. Notice it, allow it in kind of like back to episode 35, but it doesn't have to be who we are. Just see, see it for the role that it's. And then get back to creating what you want to create. There's this great song.

Uh, gosh, what is it? It's Johnny swim. I don't know if you've heard Johnny swim. One of, I really loved it. I listened to this song. It was one of my most listened to songs in 2021, according to Spotify and the one of the lines in the songs. So just Google the lyric. I don't know what the song's called, but you can say what you say while I do what I do.

Your inner jerk can say what it says, and you can do what you do. They're two separate, distinct things. You don't have to be your inner voice. You can hear it and then you can do the opposite. Yeah, I'm not, I don't know if I'm good enough to be a leader and then you can go lead and just kind of hear that, but then lead, just lead.

Just do it. Do the thing that you desire to do and invite that voice, that inner jerk to the party, knowing. It can ride along in the passenger seat. I kinda like to think of it. I have a four-year-old daughter and she can, she's the sweetest thing. I love her to death, but she can be a bear. scream, argue stubborn as I get out, sitting in the back seat, one out of her car seat, but I'm the adult and I can just take a breath and I can keep driving the car and go where we're going.

That's kind of the metaphor. That's how it works. It can say what it's gonna say all the while you can do what you're gonna do. So there's three principles. I now wanna share with you to help you move into this. Even more to maybe change your perspective of what this process of, of personal transformation looks like, because.

In my, my work as a coach, I work with a lot of established and successful creative artists, makers, right? Brain, business owners. These are very creative people, very, very talented people and very talent. And, and, and this is what some principles that I've, I, I learned so much from my clients. That that's, that's kind of what you've probably heard this saying.

The thing we teach is the thing we need to learn the most. And so I have the opportunity to, to not only get to serve such inspirational people and help them fulfill on their dreams. I get to learn so much from their journeys and it's such an enriching experience. And so I wanted to share three principles that if I'm really been honest with you, My clients taught me these as we were, as we were coaching together.

Number one is instead of facing reality, you and I must learn to create it instead of facing reality, you and I must learn to create it. You know, what are you hearing when I say that instead of facing reality, you and I must learn to create it. Here's the thing reality. This is gonna sound really strange, but I'm gonna say it anyway.

Reality is a perceptional illusion. Reality really isn't reality because who's aware that my reality, my perspective on reality can be 180 degrees different than somebody else's perspective. On reality. Why just look at the polarization in, in our society today, many different realities exist. Now it takes.

Mature person to see that there can be multiple perspectives. You know, the world really isn't black or white, it's quite gray. It's quite a rainbow. There's multiple perspectives of what reality is. So then why this idea of facing reality? Well, reality is just a, an illusion that we've constructed anyway.

So it can be very deceiving. It can be very deceiving, especially as a business owner. If you start telling yourself a story that the reality right now is just hard to find people I've been there too, but that's a reality that we can create that, you know, the, the market's tough out there. It's hard to find great people.

Well, how is that serving you? So instead of facing reality, which is really just an illusion anyway, You and I just, we need to learn to create it. What's the outcome I desire to create next? What, what do I want more of, less of what would the step, what steps would I take to create more of that in my life, in my business, that's being responsible.

That's being creative. That's who you are. So facing reality, isn't really serving you. Is it? It's it's we only have one option and that is to create. So that's the first principle, the second principle. And again, I've learned these from my clients, cuz I've watched them do what they do as a result of our coaching.

And they come in saying, this is what I believe reality is. And we actually question that and they start to see a whole new reality that they desire to create and they just go to work and they create it and it becomes their reality. They created it versus facing it. And I learned that I watch it play.

So I have learned that from my clients. The second thing. Is growth has a tendency to happen in the rear view. Mirror growth tends to happen in the rear view mirror. This last week I was talking to a client and she said that I told her this, and I'm like, I didn't tell you this. That's what you heard. And I love it.

It's beautiful growth happens in the rear view mirror because what's occurring is this individual is starting to notice some, some tendencies that aren't really serving her. When she gets triggered. When she gets flooded with uncomfortable emotions, she tends to shut down just, and can you shuts down just kind of, it feels like this paralyzing feeling doesn't speak up.

Doesn't share what she believes is the next step doesn't express her creativity. She just shuts down and she came to a session and she's like, I did it again. I did it again. And I, I smiled, you know, that's, that's amazing. Isn't that an indication that you're growing the fact that you are aware that it occurred growth.

Occurs in the rear view mirror learn, meaning the moment you realize like, oh, there it is. Again, there it is. Again. I see how this is playing out and you start to view that, look in that rear view mirror. Non-judgmentally what ends up happening is as you become more aware of these instances, the, the occurrence, while it might be far, far in your rear view mirror, like a mile behind you.

All of a sudden, you start noticing it, get closer and closer and closer in your rear view mirror. Meaning like it might be that evening that you catch yourself. Like, oh my God, that meaning I had this morning, I did it again. But then as you continue to work with that awareness, you start to notice it closer in the rear, your mirror, meaning you notice it by at lunchtime.

You're like, wow, that meeting I had an hour ago. God I did it again. So. You can write the ship through the rest of the day and it gets closer and closer in the rear view mirror. Meaning all of a sudden you notice it like a passing car, you know, like as soon as you pass a car, you look in the rear view mirror.

If you can change lanes, it's like right there, you notice it. You're like, oh, I just did it. I just did it again just now I just did it again. And then eventually you keep staying in that awareness. All of a sudden you might start to see it in the windshield. Like you're approaching it. This is here. It comes.

I'm feeling the feelings here's here comes that trigger that causes the behavior. Nope, not gonna do it. That's I don't, that's not gonna serve me. I'm gonna shift my attention to something that will serve me. Growth happens in the rear view mirror. It begins in the rear view mirror. You have to be willing to look at, what's not working for you, that your tendencies and your behaviors nonjudgmentally and just be with them and be aware with, and just make it a practice of noticing them when they occur.

As soon as you notice them, just notice them. Like I said, you might notice it that evening. Notice it, but then all of a sudden that evening turns into that a. And then it, what you end up noticing? Is it, wow. I just did that like five minutes ago. And then you notice yourself doing it in the moment, and then you eventually notice your, the tendency coming up before you act on it and you choose to shift your attention.

That's what growth really looks like. That's really what personal transformation looks like. It's a practice of awareness. So if you wanna start to transform something about a behavior, that's not working for. just become aware of it and, and notice it when it's occurring. Like notice it, label it, give it a story.

Like the, the I'm not good enough behavior or the imposter story, or just label it like there that is there. That there's my imposter again. There's my inner di again. Oh judgment. There's that judgment again? Oh, there I win. I blamed it. I blamed someone else instead of being responsible just, and, and you're, non-judgmental, you're just noticing it.

So growth happens in the rear view mirror. This is all about being aware. And then number three, judgment and curiosity cannot coexist. There is a direct correlation with your lack of judgment and your ability to stay curious and aware. And so. That's the last takeaway is judgment is such a curiosity.

Killer. What do I mean by judgment? I mean, not like discernment, that's not what I mean, like there's judgment, like discerning and critical thinking. I mean, judgment, like labeling things as good, bad, right wrong. Like, you know, you are the judge and the jury walking around telling, telling yourself and other people what they did.

Right. What they did wrong. Again, back to earlier, like there is no black and white it's everything's gray, and the only way you stay open to change and influence is you have to learn to drop the judgements, judgment and curiosity cannot coexist. And curiosity is the key that picks the lock. If you want to be a collaborative leader, if you wanna lead, honestly, if you want to have influence, if you want to create ownership on a team because people support what they create.

That requires you to be a different type of leader, not the top down command and control type leader. Who's just telling people what they should do ought to do. What, what did they do? Right? What did they do wrong? That isn't, that is that's a broken strategy and curiosity, as opposed to judgment is the key that picks the lock.

Staying curious. You cannot be in fear when you're curious. You cannot be judgemental when you're curious. Just imagine if more people in this world were to choose curiosity over judgment. I think the newspaper headlines would read completely differently. I think there would be a lot more hugs than rocks being thrown.

I really do all because people are being curious instead of judgmental. And you Canditt re-listen to this whole episode to unpack that. Cause I think we've covered it quite extensively in these 20 minutes. So that's what I want you to do. If you want to change. First of all, we have to become aware of how you're getting in your own way.

And that's sometimes you need eyeballs on you. One of the things I learned and what led me to become a coach is I was a personal development junkie. I read all the books. I was aware of all the, the right moves. I should be making as a leader, as a creator, as an entre. , but yet I wasn't aware of my own behaviors and tendencies.

It wasn't until I got a coach and I had some eyeballs on me that I was able to have somebody point out the patterns, the, the behaviors, the tendencies that I would fall into that would allow me to keep getting in my own way, trip myself up, and literally was quite the opposite of what I said I wanted in my life.

That's the gift that I provide my clients is helping them get really clear. Into why things are the way they are and guide them back to what they really need through getting, you know, getting outta their head, getting outta their own way so they can get back into resonance with the leader. They know they are.

And if you'd like some help with that. I want to support you. And whether we work together in a, in a official, you know, whether you pay me as your coach or not, I am offering complimentary and coaching sessions every month. I only have two to three. I don't have many. And so sometimes there's a wait list and we gotta schedule it out.

But it's a way for me to stay connected and continue to serve. Knowing that, you know, the certain, certain individuals will see the opportunities for themselves and they will, they will desire to move forward with me in, in a long-term coaching relationship. Others will leave with that insight that they needed to move forward and either option is cool.

And so I just encourage you that if. If you'd like some support in your journey and maybe like an outside perspective to challenge and mess with your thinking a little bit to, to, to change your reality, to get you, to create your reality instead of face it, I'd encourage you to reach out to me. DME on Instagram at Zach dot Arend or go to my website, www dot Zach Arend dot com.

And there's a spot there where you can schedule some time with me and, and we'll talk. So I hope you enjoyed today's episode and we'll see you in the next one. Thank you. Hopefully you really enjoyed this podcast episode and my hope is you found. Really inspirational. And also most importantly, I hope you took away some practical things that you can start to do and apply in your own life.

So finally, I have one small favor to ask of you before you go, wherever you get your podcast, whether that's apple music or Spotify. If you enjoyed this episode, leave us a review. Love to hear your thoughts. Come find us on social media, share it on social media. It just really helps us get the word out, helps us grow our audience.

So please do that. Thanks to my team, Ashley Bolden, who handles all the admin and Chris skipper who handles all the music and editing of this podcast for more information on the. Purpose podcast, you can go to www dot, create purpose.net, and you can also follow me on Instagram at Zach dot Arend. Please drop me a comment, reach out, drop me a DM.

I'd love to hear from you and love to hear what you're taking away from these conversations. What would you like to hear more of? Do you have any guests that you would love to see? Come on the show. And I'm always looking for great people to talk to people with great stories that can inspire you. And so if you know of anybody send, 'em my way, love to hear from.

I'm your host, Zach Arend and I'll see you in the next episode of the Create Purpose Podcast. Buy for now.