EP40 | The 7 Truths You Must Believe to Listen Well

How do you show that you listen well? Do you simply shut up and let someone speak? For most of this may be true, but in this episode of the Create Purpose Podcast Zach highlights 7 truths that you must believe in order to really listen well. You can action these 7 points to take your leadership skills to the next level!

Also Zach announces his all day virtual coaching workshop on the 29th of September 2022. Visit www.createpurpose.net/workshop to find out more and unlock your potential as a leader!

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So those are seven truths that I wanted to come on here and just share with you just straight up these seven things. It's seven ways we get in our own way when it comes to listening. And to the extent that we're doing these things, we can't listen well. And by giving you the things that make it listening impossible automatically shows you what you can do.

Welcome back, or welcome to the Create Purpose Podcast. in today's episode. I wanna talk about listening and listening well, because if you're leading people and you manage teams of people or, or your business depends on your ability to listen, then this episode is a must listen because listening will make or break your ability to effectively influence others and have the impact that you want to.

My own journey with listening started way back when I started my professional career, I was in my early twenties, 24, I think started out doing sales cold call sales, and I had to get really good at listening. The worst question I ever received in sales calls was when somebody would ask me, how can you help me?

What, why should I buy from you? And that question used to give me so much panic. Because I didn't know. I don't know why, what it was about me, but I didn't feel confident in telling somebody anything until I felt like I could help them. And the only way I knew if I could help them is if I asked questions and after thousands of repetitions of cold calls, calling complete strangers up on the phone, walking into their business, having to learn, to get them to open up to me and share what's really going on.

That's what allowed me to get really good at listening and looking back, it's kind of funny how you straight see a straight line of a straight path to where you're at today. Cause today I'm a coach. I make my living, listening to people and pulling out of them. What's working for them and what's not working for them so that they can bring their potential to life.

And back when I was doing sales, I remember I had to get really good at listening. I would have to listen to the subtleties in people's voices. That might indicate some pain or some discomfort in their business, because I knew if I could ask questions around the pain and the discomfort, it would open up a, a conversation around how I could help them.

I couldn't answer that question until I found that. And fast forward now I'm a coach. Same concept applies like the conversations really don't have the impact or produce the insights for, for my clients until we uncover the truths. and the only way you can do that is you have to listen, not at the words always, but the tone, cuz there's an energy to what, what comes outta somebody's mouth.

And you have to notice when it maybe dips or when it escalates and, and draw attention to that. And there is where all the goldish, so. My task in this episode is I wanna make you a better listener sharing, seven truths that you have to believe to become a great listener. Why do we wanna be a great listener?

Because that is where all the magic happens in your business, because when you're leading a team of people, nothing great happens until your team. Gets on board and brings that dream to life with you. Co-creating it? I mean, if you listen to, I think it was episode 37, how to motivate your people. We talked a lot about getting to a spot of co-creation with your team.

Listening is a key component of doing that listening and I do an exercise in my workshop and listening is, is a focus. There are some powerful, powerful insights that come from this exercise I do in my workshop for, for the attendees where they start to realize that they're not, they have not been leveraging listening to its fullest potential.

In fact, because they're not listening, they're making their lives so much harder and they're making, getting results so much harder than it has to be. So let's talk about the seven truths to. Being a great listener. You've gotta believe these truths if you're gonna be able to listen. Well, and here's the thing about listening.

Most people think that listening is about shutting your mouth and letting other people talk. The truth is that might be listening that might not be listening. Pure listening is, is receiving and truly hearing what needs to be heard with curiosity. Nonjudgmentally that's what I. Coaching you towards with these seven truths truth.

Number one is you cannot listen. Well, if you're attached to an outcome, you cannot listen. Well, if you're attached to an outcome, so many leaders and business owners, they feel the need to, I gotta get my team on board. I've got to get buy-in. because I know what the right direction is. And I just got to get them to agree with me.

Hey, we all do it, but I'm just saying you can't listen. Well, if you're going into a conversation that way, the only way you're gonna listen to your fullest ability is you have to drop any attach attachment to any one outcome that takes vulnerability. That takes walking into the land of uncertainty. It kind of, you feel naked when you do it, you feel vulnerable, but that's where all the magic happens.

So you can't listen. Well, if you're attached to an outcome, you have to detach from any. Outcome you think is the right way. And you have to suspend that. I'm not saying you can't bring it into the conversation and throw it out as an idea, for sure. I don't want you to diminish your own creative genius, but don't let it diminish the creative genius of those around you.

So you to listen. Well, you have to detach from all that. Set it to the side. It's still there with you. It's all in your lap, but. Because you're detached, you get to receive new information from a new perspective that might just give you an insight that you otherwise wouldn't have. That's true. Listening.

Truth. Number two. You can't listen. Well, if you're thinking about what you're going to say, next I'm guilty of this. Somebody's talking to me and I'm like, oh my God, where am I gonna take this? How am I gonna respond? How should I respond? That inner dialogue is racing ahead. We're no longer listening. We're missing the gold.

So you can't listen. Well, if you're thinking about what you're going to say, next, you have to trust your instincts. You have to listen and then trust your instincts. Whatever comes up, you need to be able to just say it, whatever comes up, just say it. You don't need to prepare what you're going to say.

That actually diminishes your authenticity as a leader. You're filtering every word you're choosing it. Cautiously. And you never say what needs to be said. Therefore they never hear what needs to be heard. So stop thinking about what you're gonna say instead, just listen and then trust that the right question that or the right thing.

You're gonna say next will just come. When it's time for you to speak this stuff is not easy, but I want you to become aware of these truth. Number three, you can't listen. Well, when you're thinking in terms of right wrong or agree, disagree. This is us listening through a filter. Somebody's saying something and we are judging it as, yeah, I agree with that.

No, I don't agree with that. No, I don't agree with that. Or I don't. I think that's the wrong approach. I, I, yeah. You know, I, I would agree. That's right. Yeah. We, we listen like that. We listen like that, but are we really listening? No, we're just, we're we're just using the other person. To determine how we feel, you know, it, it, we're letting our egos listen, which isn't really listening.

You see, there's this saying? I heard. Would you rather be right? Or would you rather understand if you want to understand, which is true listening, we have to suspend judgment. Don't worry about the right and the wrongs and agreeing disagree. I wanna challenge you. Everything makes sense. Everything makes sense from the perspective that it's being shared from.

So. If somebody says something to you, they are never wrong. They aren't because from their perspective, they believe in what they're saying. So your job is to understand their perspective. Would you rather be right? Or would you rather be, would you rather be right? Or would you rather understand that's truth number three, truth.

Number four, you can't listen. Well, if you're uncomfortable with silence, You can't listen. Well, when you're uncomfortable with silence, because sometimes when you're showing up as the captain and you ask one of your team members a tough question, they actually have to stop and think about it and you don't allow them the opportunity to think about it.

If you're uncomfortable with silence and therefore you can't really listen to what they have to say. So you have to be comfortable with silence. And I want you to reframe silence to. when my team members are quiet. They're thinking isn't that great? Isn't that our jobs as leaders to get the people around us to think deeper, to think more critically, because when you do that, you're teaching them a skill and the whole entire business is gonna be better for it.

But the only way to that is you have to be comfortable with silence. You have to allow them to look down at their paper, to look down at their notes and just think. , but here's what I see. So often, especially in my workshops, when I work with leaders in small group settings, coaching them on these skill sets.

I see them as soon as silence happens, they jump into rescue. They jump into help that person by giving them the answer. No, no, no. Your job as a leader, great leaders or great coaches and great coaches know that the, the magic is in the silence because that's where the insights come for. Those that you're working.

Those that you're leading. So you can't listen. Well, if you're uncomfortable with silence, truth, number five, you can't listen well without, without asking for more, you can't listen. Well without asking for more. There's a couple ways you can extract more from people. That's the idea here to listen is you have to pull more out of people, get them to say more, cuz you're doing two things.

One you're learning a ton two. So are they? Because sometimes we have to think things out loud. We process verbally a lot of us do. And so just by asking for more, allows them to arrive at their own insights and also arrive helps you arrive at a. Clearer insight as well. Here's how you ask more, some quick hit practical things, ask open-ended questions.

Oh yeah. Yeah. You've heard that before. I'm sure. But are you doing it? I, I asked because I thought I was doing it, but then I got around other people and I got coached kind of like what I do in my workshops. And I realized that, oh yeah, honestly, one out of eight. Things outta my mouth was actually an open ended question.

Everything else was a close ended question. Like, well, do you know what to do next? Did you call them? Is this what happened? So are you right? All these questions solicit a yes, no response. You don't want that. That's not how you ask for more, to get more. You have to say, well, what do you think about that?

That's a powerful question to start asking your team. Well, what do you think about that? Well, what ideas do you have? How long have you thought about this? What, what ideas do you have if there was a solution? What do you think it might be? All of those are open ended questions. I don't know what they're gonna say.

That takes vulnerability to open yourself up, but those are where that's probably when the moments of silence will come, you gotta sit with it, but then what's gonna come after that is more and you're gonna have more to listen to. So it's gonna help you get clarity and it's gonna help the other person get clarity.

So you have to ask for more, sometimes it's as easy to say, Hey. Say more on that. Hey, say more on that. That works too. If you wanna ask for more, just ask for more. Hey, tell me more. It's that easy? Right? So that's truth. Number five, if you can't listen well, without asking for more, you have to ask and you have to do it in a way that allows people to talk.

That's number five, number six, you can't listen. Well, when you're in your head, you can't listen. Well, when you're in your. That's kind of similar to the, the other early ones. Isn't it. If you're thinking about what you're gonna say next. Yes it is. Or when you're thinking about, do I agree or disagree? Yes, it is.

But what I really want you to stress on this one and think about is you can't listen. Well, when you're in your head, if you're not in your head, where would you be? I'm gonna, you need to be in your body, in your gut, in your, in your body feeling what you're feeling. That's listening, empathetically, listening with compassion, because if, if you can detach from the stories in your own head and just be in your body, your body's going to tell you things.

That's gonna inform the questions you ask. So if you start feeling some anxiety, when you're listening to the other person, you need to trust that and share that. Sounds like you don't know what to do next, or I'm getting the sense. You're making this very complicated and it's creating a lot of anxiety for you.

If you're feeling anxiety, they are too. It's so great to just acknowledge that that's such a great way to listening. That's called listening intuitively you need to listen with like physiologically. You have to use your body to listen. Cuz your body gives you intuitive hits sensations. Like the hairs on the back of your neck.

Start standing up. That's an indication. That there's probably a difficult question that you need to ask, cuz you're getting a sense about something and you need to ask about it. That's how you get to the truth. And when you get to the truth with your team, everything gets so much easier. We, we get to the, we get to the marrow of the bone marrow.

We get to the core, the heart, and that's where all the magic is. Sometimes tears will come. I tell leaders all the time. You'll want tears. Don't be uncomfortable with tears because that's where the magic is. That's where we're actually releasing and we're starting to learn something and. You can't listen.

Well, when you're in your head, gotta get into your body and listen to your body and let that inform the questions you ask. And then number seven, the seventh truth. You have to believe if you're going to listen well, is you can't listen well with the incorrect filter, I want to talk about filters. We see our life in our world through a lens.

You know, if, if it's kinda like, if, if you're wearing blue colored glasses, the world looks blue. If you're wearing red colored glasses, the world looks red. So if you're listening with a certain filter, everything's gonna look like a problem, look, or sound like a problem. If you're listening through a lens of being paranoid through a lens of fear of failure, then you're actually going to be listening for ways that you might fail.

I mean, how, how well will that work for you? I, I can hear some people in my past say, well, that's how, that's how I built this company. You know, making sure we don't make any mistakes. It's like, okay, fine. But what's the cost of that because you could also choose a, a filter of listening through the lens of opportunity.

Hmm. What am I hearing here? That if it were to be true, could really help us, could really move the needle here in this business. What lens are you listening through? You can't listen well with incorrect lenses. If you're listening through a lens of fear of failure or a lens of a lack of trust, trust is a big deal.

And if we don't trust somebody, then you're listening for where they're not trustworthy and where your attention goes. So you go, I mean, you are where your attention is. That's something I, I, I teach all the time in my, my keynotes in my workshops. Like you are where your attention is like where you focus.

That's where you end up going. So if you're focused on the, what's the problem here, or how, what mistakes might we, might we be making or how might we fail or I don't know if I trust this person. Well, you're gonna find reasons not to trust everybody. The, like you're gonna get more of what you're, what you're seeking, but if you start looking for the opportunity and looking for the greatness in others and seeing people as powerful and listening through that lens is gonna change.

How those conversations go every time it's predictable. So you can't listen well through the incorrect, through an incorrect lens. So those are seven truths that I wanted to come on here and just share with you just straight up these seven things. It's seven ways we get in our own way when it comes to listening.

And to the extent that we're doing these things, we can't listen well. And by giving you the, the, the things that. Make it listening impossible automatically shows you what you can do. So I want to ask you, I like this podcast. I want it to be more about insight over advice. So if you hear me and you listen just for like, I've got the answer, then I want to suggest that you might be listening in the wrong lens because I don't have the answer.

My job is to. Show you new possibilities to get you thinking differently so that you can arrive at your own insights. So what would that look like? You just listened to these seven truths stuff came up for you. Some of this really resonated with you. Some of it you're like I don't get it. I I'm gonna discard that one.

Cool. You don't have to get all seven, which of the seven resonated with you. And if they did resonate with you. What might be your opportunity? How might you apply these in your day to day in, in your business with your team? What would you like to be different about how you show up and how you listen? I want you to pause right now.

If you need to pause this podcast due, but I want you to ask yourself, okay, well, I just listen to this short episode. and some of it resonated with me now, what do I want to do with those insights? What's something practical, practical, and actionable that I can go apply today. Today, whether that's with your team or heck in any relationship your, with your spouse, with your kids.

This is true. It's universal. So I want you to spend some time. I'll be quiet here in a minute, and you can just put your phone on silent. If you're in your car, you can just drive and you can think. Hmm, how might I listen better with my team and what might be the opportunities be? Because when you apply these listening becomes so effortless, leading becomes so effortless because you don't have to spend all your mental time and energy, trying to figure out all and solve all these problems.

You actually just listen. And all of a sudden, you start to realize people can find their own answer. Once you see that there's no going back now. It's like, okay, well, huh, I've been making this a lot harder than it. It had to be. So now that I don't have to spend all my time and energy wrestling with people, getting them to buy into what I want to do and get them on board.

I get to have conversations and collaborate and create day in, day out. what, what might that be mean to you? What, what might be the opportunities for you? If you could do more of that and less of the, the grind and the thinking. So apply these truths. Apply them to your life, apply them to your business.

And I would love to hear from you, tell me what you got out of this episode. What's one action you took in your business with your team in a relationship. And what did you notice as a result again? Thanks for listening to the Create Purpose Podcast and I'll see you in the next episode. Real quick. I have a question for you.

What would it look and feel like for you to lead your team and build your business with more clarity, confidence, and conviction. That's why I want to invite you to the fully expressed leader. It's a full day workshop, virtual workshop to learn how to lead. From the inside out. This is for creatives, artists, executives, and right brain business owners who are ready to be the fully expressed leader.

They were meant to be my promise to you is that by the end of this full day together, you're going to be able to identify the critical element in your business that you've been ignoring. You're gonna know the secret to unleash the full potential of your. And start to see responsibility as a gift and not a burden you're gonna make leading from the inside out your new automatic default.

What I love most about this day is I get to see the change in those that do the work. They come in exhausted and they leave energized later on. When they check back in with me, they tell me that it's like someone turned the lights on. What once felt impossible now feels inevitable to learn more, go to www.createpurpose.net/workshop.

This day is not about doing more. It's a way of being a way for you to shift your approach, to building your business on your terms. So go check it out. www.createpurpose.net/workshop.

Hopefully you really enjoyed this podcast episode. And my hope is you found it really inspirational. And also most importantly, I hope you took away some practical things that you can start to do and apply in your own life.

So finally, I have one small favor to ask of you before you go, wherever you get your podcast, whether that's apple music or Spotify. If you enjoyed this episode, leave us a review. Love to hear your thoughts. Come find us on social media, share it on social media. It just really helps us get the word out, helps us grow our audience.

So please do that. Thanks to my team, Ashley Bolden, who handles all the admin and Chris skipper who handles all the music and editing of this podcast for more information on the. Purpose podcast, you can go to www.createpurpose.net, and you can also follow me on Instagram at Zach dot Arend. Please drop me a comment.

Reach out, drop me a DM. I'd love to hear from you. I'd love to hear what you're taking away from these conversations. What would you like to hear more of? Do you have any guests that you would love to see? Come on the show. And I'm always looking for great people to talk to people with great stories that can inspire you.

And so if you know of anybody send, 'em my way, love to hear from you. I'm your host, Zach Arend and I'll see you in the next episode of the Create Purpose Podcast. Bye for now.